Some jokes for your amusement.
Just some of my favorites. Not all of them are puns, but many fit the
theme. Everyone can use a good joke now and
then. But for now these will have to do.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil
He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his
left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What did the fish say when he hit the
Dam! (what else)
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do the letters DNA stand for?
National Association of Dyslexics .
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy,
and if it fell out of a tree it would kill
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and
Anyone can roast beef...
What's the difference between parsley and
Nobody eats parsley...
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
The Seven Dwarfs get to meet the pope. Dopey
walks up to the pope and says "Mr. Pope, are
there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere
in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no
dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are
there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are
no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Softly in the background can be heard the
six remaining dwarves chanting, "Dopey did a
penguin, Dopey did a penguin."
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a
veterinary hospital. As she laid her pet on
the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest. After a moments, the vet shook his
head and sadly said. "I'm so sorry, but
Polly has passed away". The distressed owner
wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't
done any tests on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged and left
the room. He then returned with a beautiful
yellow lab. As the bird's owner looked on in
amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table
and sniffed the dead parrot from top to
bottom. The dog then looked at the vet with
sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet led the dog out and returned a few
moments with a cat. The cat jumped up on the
table, sniffed at the ex-bird, stood back,
shook his head, meowed and ran out of the
The vet looked at the woman and said,"I'm
very sorry, but like I said, your parrot is
definitely.....dead." He then turned to his
computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill
and handed it to the woman. The parrot's
owner, still in shock over the death, cried
out "$450 just to tell me my bird is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "if you would have taken
my word for it, the bill would only have
been $50, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan......What did you expect???"
A group of friends is out on the golf
course, and getting more frustrated on each
hole, as the foursome ahead of them seems to
be taking their time. The main culprit seems
to be an elderly gentleman, who is stopping
for all sorts of reasons.
Just as they are preparing to drive up and
say something to them, they see something
that stops them in their tracks. On the road
alongside the fairway, a funeral procession
is driving by. As it approaches, the older
man drops his club, takes off his hat,
places it over his heart and stands in
The other foursome, who have by now pulled
up to this group, are at a loss for words as
to what to say. Finally, they turn to one of
the others in the group and remark "Gee..
that was inspiring, one of the noblest
gestures we have seen, here or on any course
we have played.
The friend of the elderly man says "Yeah..
maybe. But it's the right thing to do after
47 years of marriage".
I heard a story about a Scottish student at
an English university, who was living in the
hall of residence in his first year there.
After he'd been there a month, his mother
came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students,
Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied. "They're such
terrible, noisy, rowdy people. The one on
that side keeps banging his head against the
wall, and won't stop. The one on the other
side screams and screams and screams, away
into the night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with
these awful, noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I ignore them. I just
sit here, calmly playing my bagpipes."
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks,
asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size
when stimulated?" No one answered until
little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question
like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the principal, who
will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back
down. Mrs. Parks ignored her
and asked the question again, "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said
to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get
in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said
to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around
nervously, and said, "The body part that
increases 10 times its size when stimulated
is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then
turned to Mary and continued, "as
for you, young lady, I have three things to
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very
How do West Virginians practice safe sex?
Answer- They mark the sheep that kick.
What does a walrus and Tupperware have in
They both love a tight seal.
Did you hear about the latest news from the
psychological journals? They have diagnosed
the first known person with all the signs of
being a combination
Yes, it's true... he stayed up all night
wondering if there really was a dog.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the ground hog that it can be done.
Doctor says to the old man "I'll need to
check your blood, urine, and stool.
The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to
his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His
wife says "the doctor said he wants to see
Proctologist to his female patient "So tell
me, just how did that alimony check get way
(Definition)- Wicker Box: What Elmer Fudd
does to his girlfriend.
What did Ellen say to Cathy Lee?
Can I be Frank with you?
A police officer was assigned to stake out
the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for
possible violations of drunk-driving laws.
Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron
stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
then try to open the doors of a dozen cars
before finding his own car and collapsing in
the front seat, where he remained immobile.
And where he continued to remain immobile as
the evening progressed and others left the
bar, started up their cars, and drove away.
Finally, with the parking lot all but empty,
the patron pulled himself to an upright
position, started the car, and attempted to
pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop
pounced, pulled the motorist from the car,
and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer
test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol
content. How could that be, the cop asked
asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver
said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for
the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off
his back, and had nothing left but a quarter
and the second half of his round trip ticket
-- If he could just get to the airport he
could get himself home. So he went out to
the front of the casino where there was a
cab waiting. He got in and explained his
situation to the cabbie. He promised to send
the driver money from home, he offered him
his credit card numbers, his drivers license
number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect),
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the
hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike
to the airport and was barely in time to
catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having
worked long and hard to regain his financial
success, returned to Vegas but this time he
won big. Feeling pretty good about himself,
he went out to the front of the casino to
catch a cab back to the airport. Well who
should he see out there, at the back of a
long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had
refused to give him a ride when he was down
on his luck. The businessman thought for a
moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a
plan. The businessman got in the first cab
in the line, "How much for a ride to the
airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came
the reply. "And how much for you to give me
a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell
out of my cab." The businessman got into the
back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of
the line, he got in and asked "How much for
a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied
"fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok"
and off they went. But, as they drove slowly
past the long line of cabs the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each
A man and a woman were having dinner in a
fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking
another order at a table a few paces away
noticed that the man was slowly sliding down
his chair and under the table, with the
woman acting unconcerned. The waitress
watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently
unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared. After the waitress finished
taking the order, she came over to the table
and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the
table." The woman calmly looked up at her
and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just
walked in the door."
A law firm receptionist answered the phone
the morning after the senior partner had
passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith
there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm
very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last
night," the receptionist said. "Is Mr. Smith
there?" repeated the client. The
receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you
didn't understand me. I'm afraid Mr. Smith
passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith
there?" asked the client again. "Madam, do
you understand what I'm saying?" said the
exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is
DEAD." "I understand perfectly," said the
client. "I just can't hear it often enough."
An older couple was reading the newspaper
and found this ad: "To join my new
religion....Call this number to schedule and
appointment" An older couple called the
number and the man on the other end said
"meet me in my office at 6:00 tonight". The
same thing happened to a middle aged couple
and they were scheduled for 6:30. Then a
Newlywed couple was scheduled for 7:00.
At 6:00 the man greets the elderly couple at
his office and tells them that to join his
religion they must take a short vow of
celibacy, and abstain from making love for
two weeks... to show their desire and love
At the following appointments, he tells the
other couples the same.
Two weeks go by, and the elderly couple
return for the next appointment. They
proclaim "No Problem, nothing to it!" The
pastor opens his arms wide and says "Welcome
to my religion!"
The middle aged couple arrive later, and say
"It was a struggle but we made it without
too much difficulty." Again, he welcomes
this couple with open arms.
The newlywed couple is the last to arrive.
They have a somewhat sheepish look on their
faces. He asks them "So, how did it go? "
They tell him "Well... we were doing fine
until this morning. We sat down for
breakfast, and about halfway through we
innocently flirted with each other. Still we
were okay. But then, she dropped her fork,
and as I bent down to pick it up for her,
she also bent down. We looked into each
other's eyes, our love overcame us, and
WHAM! We forgot about our celibacy "test"
and went at it right there!
Sorry" the pastor says, "but I'm afraid
you're not welcome in my religion" The
newlyweds looked at him & said "Hell, we're
no longer welcome at that Denny's either"
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a
churchyard. A couple days later, the town
drunk was walking through the cemetery and
heard some strange noise coming from the
area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the
drunk ran and got the priest to come and
listen to it. The priest, being less
fearful, bent close to the grave and heard
some faint, unrecognizable music coming from
the grave. Frightened, and somewhat afraid
they had made an error in burying him, the
priest ran and got the town magistrate. When
the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to
the grave, listened for a moment, and said,
"Ah, yes, It sounds like Mozart's Ninth
Symphony.. but it is being played
backwards." He listened a while longer, and
said, "Hmmm.. that's his Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So
the magistrate kept listening; "There's the
Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was
happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood
up, turned around to the crowd that had been
gathering, and announced "My fellow
citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Mozart de-composing."
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the
point that his feet became quite thick and
hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger
strike, he did not eat much and became quite
thin and frail. Due to his poor diet and
deteriorating health, he suffered from very
bad breath. Nevertheless he was highly
respected as an important spiritual leader.
In other words, he was known as a
super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with