Jokes and Puns

Miscellaneous Jokes, mostly puns

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa.


Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.


How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.


What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?

Dam! (what else)
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."


What do the letters DNA stand for?

National Association of Dyslexics .


What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

The Seven Dwarfs get to meet the pope. Dopey walks up to the pope:
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey asks.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

Softly in the background can be heard the six remaining dwarves:
"Dopey did a penguin, Dopey did a penguin.

More Pun Humor

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef...


What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

Nobody eats parsley...


Where would you find a one-legged dog?

pretty much where you left him.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moments, the vet shook his head and sadly said. "I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away". The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any tests on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged and left the room. He then returned with a beautiful yellow lab. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. The dog then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out and returned a few moments with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, sniffed at the ex-bird, stood back, shook his head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,"I'm very sorry, but like I said, your parrot is definitely.....dead." He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill and handed it to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock over the death, cried out "$450 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "if you would have taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan......What did you expect???"

A group of friends is out on the golf course, and getting more frustrated on each hole, as the foursome ahead of them seems to be taking their time. The main culprit seems to be an elderly gentleman, who is stopping for all sorts of reasons.

Just as they are preparing to drive up and say something to them, they see something that stops them in their tracks. On the road alongside the fairway, a funeral procession is driving by. As it approaches, the older man drops his club, takes off his hat, places it over his heart and stands in silence.

The other foursome, who have by now pulled up to this group, are at a loss for words as to what to say. Finally, they turn to one of the others in the group and remark:

"Gee.. that was inspiring, one of the noblest gestures we have seen, here or on any course we have played".

The friend of the elderly man says:
"Yeah, maybe. But it's only right after 47 years of marriage".


What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both love a tight seal.

How do West Virginians practice safe sex?

Answer- They mark the sheep that kick.


Did you hear about the latest news from the psychological journals? They have diagnosed the first known person with all the signs of being a combination Dyslexic/agnostic/insomniac.

Yes, it's true... he stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the ground hog that it can be done.

And more

Doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?".

His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".


Proctologist to his female patient:

 "So tell me, just how did that alimony check get way up there?"


(Definition)- Wicker Box: What Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend.


What did Ellen say to Cathy Lee?

Can I be Frank with you?

A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the officer saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away.

Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot.

Immediately the officer pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. "How can this be", the cop asked asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

And more

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to his poor diet and deteriorating health, he suffered from very bad breath. Nevertheless he was highly respected as an important spiritual leader. In other words, he was known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.


A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist said.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me. I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD."

"I understand perfectly," said the client. "I just can't hear it often enough."

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest, being less fearful, bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, and somewhat afraid they had made an error in burying him, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, It sounds like Mozart's Ninth Symphony.. but it is being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "Hmmm.. that's his Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...
the Sixth...
the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up, turned around to the crowd that had been gathering, and announced "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart de-composing."


Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses